Leaders who are hoping to build more trust and understanding on their teams have many tools available. Some, like "thumbs up" feedback, can be sprinkled liberally through your weekly interactions. Others, like the "Three Things" tool, can be used sparingly to good effect.

When to use: 

You know the phrase "you'll know it when you see it"? Well...

Maybe your team member has just impressed you in a meeting, completed something faster than expected, caught a mistake by paying attention, made something happen through effective communication. Maybe you've just noticed that they are really good at one aspect of their job. The act of noticing your team member's skill, talent, contribution or characteristic shows your growth as a leader. Now that you've noticed, you can choose to take this as an opportunity to build your relationship with that person. Today, you can choose to use the "3 Things" Tool

How to use:

This tool takes 6 minutes, so set aside 6 minutes today. It's absolutely worth it. How about now?

1) Close your eyes for one minute. During this minute, picture your team member, and allow your thinking mind to fall away. If you can, meditate with appreciation for that person. Breathe in and out for one minute with your eyes closed (set a timer if it's handy on your computer or device, it helps). Hey, don't skip this step - these small moments of breathing in and out with appreciation do build connections that can be measured physiologically. It's not woo woo. It's real, it helps, and there's no harm, so just try it, okay?

2) Take 2 minutes to type a bullet list of things you appreciate about working with that team member. You might think of things they do well - organize, present, deliver expertise, etc. You can also look for more personal characteristics - I can count on them to do what they promise, I trust their judgment, I admire their creativity, I depend on them to problem-solve a certain type of problem, I appreciate their diplomacy, I respect their honesty, etc. Hint: start with the thing you noticed.

• Listen to a podcast
• Watch a video
• Read a blog post
• Do an application exercise
• Talk to your peers and manager about the experience.

3) Choose 3 of the things you thought of, and type them into simple sentences in an email. You can add a short explanation or example to support the idea, which helps people know they truly are appreciated, but don't go on and on.

Use the subject line "3 things I like about working with you." NOT "Three things I like about you." Keep it clearly about the working relationship. Also, don't set it up with an explanation or write a big conclusion. Just list the things in a numbered list, 1, 2, 3, read it over twice, and hit send. Try to do this in less than 3 minutes - keep it real, keep it simple.

Don't add on anything they could be doing better - no buts, no excepts, no qualifiers that turn a compliment into a veiled request for improvement. Keep it 100% in the appreciation zone.

How often to use:

It depends on your personality and your teams personalities, but I don't recommend using this tool with the same person more than once a quarter. It will come across as forced or fake if it's too often. It's also not special if you send one to everyone at the same time or too close together - remember my mantra: people talk. For leaders who are beginning to incorporate more feedback and encouragement into their style, less can be more - only do it when you mean it. On the other hand, if you are already an effusive leader who's built a culture of out-loud encouragement, you might get away with adding this tool more often. I don't recommend making it mandatory, scheduled, or requiring any reciprocity.

Why to use:

You'll use this tool if you are a leader who is interested in augmenting your style to include more encouragement and support with team members, building trust without losing focus on performance.

Building trust requires knowing each other well, and believing that our teammates know us well. Expressing appreciation doesn't come naturally to everyone, and people differ in their needs around how and when they feel appreciated. People also have trouble trusting appreciation when it feels forced, comes in a performance review, or is delivered as the precursor to an improvement request. This tool steps outside of regular paradigms, providing a hand-hold in the trust climb. It offers a simple way to demonstrate respect, appreciation and knowledge of a team member, adding a layer of connection to the trust you are building. Use it as a leader, but you can also use it as a peer, or with your own leader. Everyone thrives with more authentic appreciation.

Try it out, and let me know how it works for you!

Cheryl’s diverse background spans twenty years of cross-industry and cross-sectoral experience facilitating organizational and individual performance at all levels, including work in Human Resources, Six Sigma, Organizational Change, Community Engagement, Coaching and Entrepreneurship. For more information, please see her Linked In Profile.